Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
