I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
