Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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