I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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