so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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