After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
