What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
