After last night, I could never be a politician.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
