Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
