i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
