just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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