I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
