she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
