I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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