38 yer olds are good kisserssss
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
