Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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