I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
