Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
