And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
