i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
