Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
