there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
