I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
