Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
