The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Someone signed my nipple.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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