so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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