the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
