Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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