All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
