I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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