I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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