My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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