I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
PS: I just woke up from my shower
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
