Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
