they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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