forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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