I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
