I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I hope mine doesn't look like that
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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