The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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