Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
