i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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