I murdered the dance floor call the cops
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
