you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
