You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
