If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
