i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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