I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
