we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
