So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
