haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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