My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
