Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
