I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
