I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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