he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
