Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
