HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
