We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
