i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
