My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
