I wish I could punch you in the face.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
