loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
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