I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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